Refusing the Contract: How Belonging Helped Me Embrace My Bisexuality

Written by: Natalie

Growing up, my home and schooling revolved around a fairly conservative Christian framework. As a child, I never truly questioned any of it. However for me personally, this meant I had very little exposure to the queer community. 

Around the age of 12, I began to question my sexuality. Around the same time, I started to notice flaws in my schooling system. I started picking up on a multitude of claims intended to vilify queer relationships - such as “being gay is a choice” which would ultimately sentence its followers to burn in hellish flames unless they decided to repent. Not only did villanizing LGBTQ+ love seem wrong, but I myself was grappling with my queer identity. I soon realized I was concealing a massive part of myself that, if revealed, may destroy all the social relationships I had up to that point.

In the eighth grade I was given a piece of paper to sign by my Christian schooling organization; a contract in essence, which would “bind me” to religion. I was told if I did not feel I could sign, I needed to talk through my issues with a counsellor, which would essentially become a form of conversion therapy. By that point I knew that my religious upbringing conflicted with my queer identity, and vividly remember sitting on the floor of my bedroom sobbing, knowing I could not sign the contract in good faith. I never did sign the paper. 

This moment would sever my ties with the organizations I grew up in, as well as many friends and teachers who were rigid in their belief of the sin of queerness. In hindsight I am beyond proud of my younger self for her honesty, as this was a new beginning to a journey of finding who I am today. 

Throughout high school I was able to surround myself with a lovely group of people, who encouraged my self expression and allowed me to genuinely be myself for the first time. During this period I also experienced my first queer relationship, and came out to my parents - who have been entirely loving and supportive throughout the process, even if they did not fully understand at first. 

The acceptance that I have begun to feel in recent years was expedited even further upon arriving at Queen’s University and meeting the lovely members of the vast queer community here at this school. I am incredibly grateful for the opportunity to be a part of Q+ this year, a club which aims to uplift and provide visibility for LGBTQ+ identities in a professional setting. My younger self never could have fathomed the sense of belonging I would feel by being a part of these vibrant and beautiful communities. I am beyond grateful to have found my place - one which allows me to unapologetically be myself. 

All of that is not to say there haven’t been challenges - I still worry I don’t fit into the same spaces as my heterosexual peers, or that I make them uncomfortable, or that my bisexuality makes me an outcast in dating both women and men. This is to say however, that having a space to vocalize my feelings on the matters has made all the difference in helping me to get through. 

I suppose I have a few main takeaways here:

1. The importance of having a supportive community in helping LGBTQ+ identity to prosper. Having a place where all types of self-expression and love are accepted makes a world of difference. 

2. Trust your instincts and stay confident in what you believe - it will lead you somewhere wonderful. I was completely shaken after refusing to sign that contract, even though I knew it was the right thing to do. I had no idea how beautifully transformative the next few years would become. 

3. You belong. One day you will find a sense of self, and one day you will find somewhere that loves and accepts you for you. It may just take time. I have finally shed the sense of shame and sinfulness surrounding my bisexuality that I carried growing up.