Being Quietly Queer

Written by: Emily Williams

When people think of queer individuals, there are many stereotypes that appear: we are loud, colourful, and very ‘obviously gay.’ Someone’s queerness is often established by how people appear on the outside, telling people who they are and who they love without having to say a word. I am not that person.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being that person. I think it is wonderful that people feel comfortable enough to express themselves so openly and freely, especially in today’s climate. I’ll admit that I often find myself guessing whether someone is queer through their outfit. Yet I cannot help but feel that sometimes my queerness is almost eliminated given that I am very straight-passing.

I dress like a straight girl, in basic clothing that follows most trends, and I wear minimal jewelry. I do not attach a carabiner to my jeans when leaving the house and I have fairly long, straight brown hair. I appear as a straight woman who is confident in herself, yet I am queer and you would not be able to easily tell if we were not friends. This is both a blessing and a curse at times, and I recognize both. I find it difficult to engage with women sometimes because they would never look twice in my direction because I don’t appear queer. But, I also reap the benefits of looking like a straight girl so it is a tough balance.  

When I tell people about my queerness, I usually receive some form of “OMG really??” or “wow, I had no idea!.” I laugh and say “yeah,” and that is often the end of it, yet I always feel that I might be playing a part in feeling like my queerness is eliminated. I feel as though I don’t dress ‘queer’ enough and that I should explore more ‘gay’ styles. Should I dye my hair black or pierce my eyebrow? It looks cool, that is for sure. Yet this would also be a betrayal of who I am, and I would be eliminating myself to uplift something that is not my entire identity. It does not help to add that my queerness falls into the bisexual box which typically gets eliminated anyway.

So, I have become more okay with not being ‘typically queer’. Just because I do not come across as someone who is obviously queer, does not make me any less queer. My queerness is mine, not a demonstration I need to make every day to prove that I am queer. A queer identity can take many forms and just because it does not align with ‘louder’ queer appearances, does not take away from who you are. Become comfortable in expressing yourself as loudly or quietly as you desire.

Throughout my life, I have seen personal expression change and evolve through people as they grow up and discover new things about themselves. I am still discovering new things about myself too, and who knows? Maybe in a few years you’ll have the opposite questions about me or maybe they’ll stay the same. The LGBTQ+ movement is all about being who YOU are and that looks different for everyone. That’s the beauty of being queer. It is whatever you want it to be.